I am two for two in the bad news column. I had an MRI today (at 7:30am, who thinks it’s okay to be awake that early!) and saw my awesome neurologist. The news is not encouraging. The latest tumor in the cerebellum has grown. The chemo had no effect. The good news is that I am off the chemo. Although, I just got a month’s worth of pills last week which makes me feel like I am wasting something. Note: I am a premium member of the clean plate club so maybe that’s why I feel this way.
The bad news is that I need another biopsy, stat. Then I will probably have to go on an intravenous regimen of Avastin. This, I am not looking forward to. Blood clots, extreme fatigue and high blood pressure are possibilities in my future. Anyone want to run away with me to an island not on the map so I can pretend this is not happening?
The good news is that the location of this tumor is easier to biopsy and I am expected to be in the hospital for two days at most. This is a bonus because I don’t want my kids thinking they are getting a vacation from school just because I have brain cancer.
I feel heavy laden right now. I explained how I feel this way. I have just walked through the front door of a skyscraper. It’s a pretty empty place. The door bangs shut behind me, and though I know there are people I love in the building with me, I cannot see them clearly. The view is hazy. I feel alone though I know I am not. I look around, trying to find the door so I can get out of this place. It is too hot and then too cold; never comfortable. It doesn’t smell like anything and the silence deafening. The door out is gone. The only option I see is a concrete stairway. It goes up and up and up. I start climbing.
My first concern is for my children. God, please protect the children you have chosen to be mine. Give them hope and joy, especially when it seems that should be the last things on their minds. Remind them, Lord, how much You love them.
I appreciate your prayers.