Valley Walking

I am two for two in the bad news column. I had an MRI today (at 7:30am, who thinks it’s okay to be awake that early!) and saw my awesome neurologist. The news is not encouraging. The latest tumor in the cerebellum has grown. The chemo had no effect. The good news is that I am off the chemo. Although, I just got a month’s worth of pills last week which makes me feel like I am wasting something. Note: I am a premium member of the clean plate club so maybe that’s why I feel this way.

The bad news is that I need another biopsy, stat. Then I will probably have to go on an intravenous regimen of Avastin. This, I am not looking forward to. Blood clots, extreme fatigue and high blood pressure are possibilities in my future. Anyone want to run away with me to an island not on the map so I can pretend this is not happening?

The good news is that the location of this tumor is easier to biopsy and I am expected to be in the hospital for two days at most. This is a bonus because I don’t want my kids thinking they are getting a  vacation from school just because I have brain cancer.

I feel heavy laden right now. I explained how I feel this way. I have just walked through the front door of a skyscraper. It’s a pretty empty place. The door bangs shut behind me, and though I know there are people I love in the building with me, I cannot see them clearly. The view is hazy. I feel alone though I know I am not. I look around, trying to find the door so I can get out of this place. It is too hot and then too cold; never comfortable. It doesn’t smell like anything and the silence deafening. The door out is gone. The only option I see is a concrete stairway. It goes up and up and up. I start climbing.

My first concern is for my children. God, please protect the children you have chosen to be mine. Give them hope and joy, especially when it seems that should be the last things on their minds. Remind them, Lord, how much You love them.

I appreciate your prayers.

Joyfully, Elyse

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4 thoughts on “Valley Walking

  1. Precious Elyse…..no, you are not alone. Why you have been chosen to walk this road, I do not know. Your blog, tho, is a testimony of joy in the midst of pain. Praying, praying, praying.

  2. Dear Elyse Elsie Decker I just signed online, when I should be sleeping, I mean, I’m a mom of 4, I have to get up early, it’s after midnight, but I thought I would respond to a gf’s FB post from weeks ago, but when I signed online there you were. I just read your post from yesterday. My girl. My prayers are with you. What are we going to do? Is there anything I can do? I am totally down for that island escape. I love you. xPennyKent

  3. Hi Elyse,
    Words feel so inadequate for me ,and all that comes to mind is that it is just not fair. Petulant I know, but all I can think of is why is this happening, and it isn’t fair, and you have had enough tests and medicine, and why isn’t it fixed?
    You are such a gift in my life, and I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. What you show your children every day is bravery amidst the ordinary; to give them their version of a normal life, and to love them, is all they truly need. I barely know what to say Elyse, and I know you will get through this, but your description of how you feel is one of the reasons you are loved. To be able to be so honest is heartbreaking and real, and somewhere in my heart I hope that by sharing it you will absorb strength from those of us who read it…
    With love, always,
    Wendy

  4. Elyse,
    I lament this news. I cry to God about the broken state our world is in as a result of original sin. Yet, just as you have always insisted, throughout this long, long ordeal…I have confidence in God’s providence. Like you, I (by His grace) am able to trust Him with this outcome. You have over and over again glorified God with your faithfulness. In every encounter I have had with you, you have consciously chosen to be on board with His agenda. And I believe He is pleased with you, His precious child. My precious friend.

    I love you, Elyse,
    Megan

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